英国考官眼中7分雅思写作：交通问题

2016-03-23 环球教育

　　Ielts-simon.com的作者Simon老师曾经是一名雅思考官。他提供了一篇自己学生的雅思作文练习，并进行了批改。雅思考官眼中的7分作文就要这样写。

　　题目：

　　Traffic congestion is becoming a huge problem for many major cities. Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce traffic in big cities。

　　作文：

　　Nowadays, it is obvious that the congestion in nearly all over the world in most countries is on the increase and cities are becoming busier. In my opinion, this problem must be tackled because it is a global issue and most of people most people, especially who live especially those who live in big cities, are suffering from that。

　　One of the main reasons which causes the traffic jam causes of traffic jam/reasons for traffic jam is that the majority of people prefer using their own cars instead of public transportation. However, it is not impossible to find good and effective ways to control the congestion. Public transportation is the easiest way to solve this trouble problem. If there are comfortable and cheap public transportations is comfortable and cheap public transportation such as trains and buses, they will make people like to use them better than drive people will choose to use it rather than drive. For instance, in Manchester, Stagecoach buses are the most convenient buses that help the city to have comfortable life in its to reduce the traffic on roads and streets during rush hours. In fact, governments should provide much better public transportation and charge prices that are affordable for everyone。

　　Another solution to solve that the traffic problems to charge the a congestion fee for every car that will go into a city centre. It will This will either discourage people from driving into that area, or raise more money for public transportation. A good example of this situation is London, which now has a congestion charge. Going to the city centre in London costs about ￡8 per day。

　　In conclusion, the problem of traffic congestion can be tackled by improving public transportation and by charging drivers who enter city centres。

　　小编注：部分修改理由请看文末。

　　评语：

　　Good introduction: you introduce the topic and answer the question in a simple way。

　　不错的开头：对话题做了介绍，并简单回答了问题。

　　You give 2 solutions which are organised in 2 good paragraphs. Each paragraph develops the main point well. Good examples for each point。

　　将2个解决方案分别写在1个不错的段落里。每个段落都较好的阐明主要观点。为每个观点都举了较好的例子。

　　Ideas are well-linked and developed logically。

　　思路连贯、有逻辑。

　　You use some ‘band 7’ vocabulary e.g. on the increase, tackle a problem, prices that are affordable, discourage people, raise money, congestion charge。

　　使用了一些“7分词汇”，如on the increase, tackle a problem, prices that are affordable, discourage people, raise money, congestion charge。

　　Excellent conclusion to summarise the ideas。

　　结尾对想法做了优秀的总结。

　　The essay could be improved by reducing the number of small mistakes. However, there are several sentences that contain no mistakes at all。

　　减少一些小错误能让这篇文章变得更好。但也有一些句子完全没有问题。

　　Overall, band 7.

　　综上所述，7分。

　　小编注：修改理由如下

　　in nearly all over the world：从语法上看，all over the world 是一个副词词组，前面不能加in这个介词。从语义上看，想表达“全世界大多数国家”，直接用in most countries就可以了。

　　most of people：most 和 most of都表示某一群体中的大多数，但它们的区别在于，most后面加不具体的群体，most of后面加具体群体。例如：Most students want less homework. Most of students in my school want less homework. 原文中的people显然并非某一具体群体，所以用most。

　　especially who live：非限定性定语从句的关联词不能省略。

　　reasons which causes the traffic jam：语义重复。

　　are comfortable and cheap public transportations：transportation是不可数名词。